Shakey Lover

Shakey Lover

by Brendan Lindsay

15-17

I am so scared of love.
It is a starved beast, an unquenchable yearning, it fills every nook and cranny of my body and anchors me down.
It begs so much of me and promises nothing in return.
It eats away and leaves me with only these splattered words and hungry bones.

I am a rocking, rickety rowboat
Beached and battered, already starting to rot with jaded hopelessness
I’ve been thrown to the shore time and again by a series of tempests
Serious, deadly storms, all these hurricanes have names
This love is like the distant horizon, an escape from this coarse sand isolation
The frothing clouds a radiant heaven with you
I’m not sure if I’ll make it tho

I get stomach aches when I’m nervous
I shiver when I’m anxious
I am constantly scared of everything
And then you’ll touch me and my tensed shoulders crash down from the ceiling
When you squeeze me tight it’s the only time I can breathe, my lungs restart and inhale the mist around you
I dissolve in your arms like salt, in the oceans rolling embrace

When I tell you about the roaring pain inside of me
About the old waves that crash against my heart
I am not trying to scare you, I’m numb to the saline stinging these wounds, this tumultuous tumbling feels normal. I just tell you cause I feel the waves quieting. I speak your name and the storm begins to end
You help me work apart these bloated knots of rope
Swollen with the heavy water of past pain
A tangled heart, slowly eased apart by gentle hands. Finally at ease.

Is it possible to catastrophize positively? Am I blowing my heart up over proportionally small feelings? Are these words bursting forth just a script already written by my lonely mind? It’s hard to tell, for you are the perfect actor, fitting the bill exactly and filling this body like a generous meal. You fit so perfectly against me I don’t know if it matters.

I want to sink deeply in love with you but my heart is too scared of drowning again
This whirlpool circling my head tries to suffocate happiness
But when I gasp for air the lonely wind rips at my face, and I know I need you

I used to panic constantly about when and where and how I’d ever see my lighthouse lover, scanning in the distance of his shadow, his rare light. Shivering at the shipwrecked ghost of his love.
Now you swaddle me, pressurize my lungs. Even when I’m cold and shivering I still feel you near, in the air all around me like mist
Now you flow through my mind easy and soft, like gentle hands over shoulders, like loving words between sheets

You hug me like the ocean
You embrace me like the rolling waves rocking its baby to sleep
When the waves of panic wash over me, your arms are there, absorbing the force that normally wears down my hope.

Forgive me when my hands shake holding yours, you know I am always cold and nervous
Forgive me when I stare at your lips and say nothing, I’m trying to form mine into a concealed “I love you”
Forgive me when I grab onto you so desperately, I am just trying to make sure you’re really there

Love is a starved beast that can maul and consume, I was scared of it but You are worth the risk of being devoured
I step back into the amphitheatre, ready for another dance with the force that can cripple Thank you for sticking around for this scarce meal, all gristle and scar tissue. I do not know how you can savour this meal, but thank you for finding me palatable

Thank you So Much

This beast is worth dancing with,
These waves are worth bearing
I am prepared to drown again
So, I calm these shaky nerves,
I walk deeper into the water
I follow the current
And I open my lungs to call out my gratitude
Thank you for being there

With dedication and hope, your shaky rowboat lover