Pick-up trucks and Gasoline
by Hazel Woodbridge
“Are you happy?”
I was sitting in the passenger seat of his pick-up truck the first
My dad asked me that.
How the fuck do I respond to that?
How can I look him in the eyes and tell him that his voice makes my
That when he calls me into the living room
I go over everything I could have done wrong while I try not to
All he wanted to know is what i wanted for dinner.
How could I turn to him and tell him
that my saturday night plans involve wondering
what the ocean would feel like in my lungs.
The waterfront is so beautiful this time of year.
I even have the perfect white dress.
It smells like my mom.
My nails pierse my palms like the doves that tear at my
Have you ever choked on prozac?
That chemical burn that crawls up your throat
like the summer of 2015.
All I want is to be able to tell him
“Dad, you don’t have to pay for pills anymore”
That my depression was an unwelcome visitor,
that guy at the wedding that no one knows,
and everybody hates,
but it’s okay because all I had to do was politely ask him to
Just like the little lady you want me to be.
But I can’t because he has a gun in his pocket
and his hands are sliding up my dress.
Im choking on a noose of pink satin.
His fingers are matchsticks and i am gasoline.
My depression doesn’t know much about pyrotechnics,
because when I catch light I am not a candle waiting to be snuffed
No, I am a wild fire, I am a lightning strike.
And he thought a pink satin noose could contain me
There is a blow torch in the back of the truck.
My dad doesnt know much about pyrotechnics either.
My dad and my depression seem to get along pretty well
I used to love that pink satin noose.
My 5th birthday present.
I saw my dad as a mountain.
A giant, scraping the sky and making her bleed. Mountains
And when they crumble they take everything down around
my teeth are broken shards inside a cinnamon smile.
Splintered by your stalagmites.
The weight of mountains can turn rock into riches
and I dont give a
If you’re pissed because you wanted a sapphire,
well guess what I am a diamond
and not even the voices in my head can break me.
Not even your voice.