Unrequited

Isn’t it cruel that when I hear the word love I think of you?
That you are the only comparison I have?
When people talk about this amazing, magical feeling
I remember all the times I cried over you
and think
That must be the same thing.

I imagine a future with someone
Waking up next to them
And I can’t picture any face but yours.

You’re the only one I’ve ever imagined
So now you are the fixed point on the horizon
My True North
The path I’m meant to take.
Or whatever.

Maybe now I’m realizing the map wasn’t made for me
And that following the horizon for so long means that now, when I’ve turned around
I find myself lost in the open ocean.
I’ve searched for True North and sure, I found it.
But it’s a cold, lonely wasteland and
The compass is spinning and spinning and
I can’t find my way home.

I know you would hate the metaphor about being lost in the ocean.
I know you.
I know your greatest fears.
I also know mine.
Mine is that one day you’ll realize you can just walk away.
And I’ll have to learn to find my way on my own.
And maybe that’s what I need.
Doesn’t make it any less scary.
Less heart-wrenching.

Just because you’re the only person I’ve ever been in love with
Doesn’t mean I still am.
But now
I can’t imagine love looking any different than
Holding hands with someone who doesn’t think about me that way
Finally getting that kiss
In a lucky round of spin the bottle
Silent words: “I like you more than a friend”
Shouted in my head during every conversation
But never out loud because
The moment isn’t right, we’re busy, I don’t want to make things awkward.

You are the only person I’ve had that with.
So every time I hear the word love
I think about not being loved back.

I’m not in love with you any more
Promise.
Maybe I never was.
I still love you, though
And know you feel the same.
At least now the feelings are mutual
Just not in the way I’d always dreamed of.

I’m acting like this poem is about you
But even I know it’s about me.
I just wish it hadn’t been you.
If only my heart had been broken by someone
Who at least claimed it in the first place.

So for now I will remember love as
Tears and wishes that don’t come true.
It’s all I know, and
I’m just afraid that I won’t recognize the real thing
When it smacks me in the face.